Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The Jeff Webster "Wet Bucket Brigade" Award Nominations

SOLdotna's most famous citizen is the river guide, Jeff Webster. Jeff won the Jefferson Muzzle Award in 2004 when he twice doused an 82 year-old woman in sub-freezing temperature at the "Y" in SOLdotna. The lady was protesting the US invasion of Iraq. Big Bad Jeff had the audacity to film his stunt the second time around and post it on the 'net. The JWWBBA: Throwing Cold Water on Freedom of Speech since 2003

Anyway, in honor of Mr. Webster's ignominious behavior, the following central peninsula residents are nominated for their undaunted sense of self-righteousness, undeniable idiocy, and absence of extrapolating a thought much beyond its inception.

And the nominees are:
1)The Peninsula Clarion. To be Fair and Balanced, this paper simply doesn't have any balls. Northern Dynasty couldn't have bought a fluffier examination of the Pebble Mine. Simultaneously, the NYTimes ran an in-depth look at the world-wide economic, social, and environmental damages caused by gold mining. Guess we don't need to know any of that stuff. And the cheerleading continues - just yesterday, the PC ran another front page info-mercial from ND: "Yep, there's big gold out in them thar hills". They are playing us with a treble hook and a quick jerk; hoping to snag us like a spawned humpie. Let's ask some tough questions!...And how about some real local news like where did all that AWG $ go? What sort of deal is MallWart getting? I have to admit that the headline the other day 'SOLdotna Cemetery Not Dead Yet' was clever - but how come you guys can't figure out why the borough and the city of SOLdotna are at odds?

2) Bill 'Dozer' Popp. Big Bill really isn't a bad guy - but has there ever been a development that he questions? Private Prisons, Pig Farms, Big Box stores, Pebble Mine, and all of the refineries, platforms, and wells we can construct are just what we need to transform the Kenai into Texas. Bill is now Borough Mayor William's primary "Yes Man" (In addition to being on the government dole as a paid lobbyist to the oil and gas industry? Hmmm, doesn't big industry usually hire lobbyists to kiss up to government and not the other way around!?!?)

3)KPBSD Central Orifice Administration. The whole gang of 'em. Those who can do, those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach become principals. Those who aren't principled become Central Office administrators! Oh, employees aren't allowed to say 'central office' anymore. End of discussion. Lead by bullying and stifling different point of views. After all, it's the SOLdotna way of life!

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Ways to be a real SOLdotnan

Let's face it - you've never fit in anywhere, but you've never lived in a place quite like SOLdotna. Here are some tips to successfully blend in with your neighbors.

1) Leave your pickup or SUV running from October until May. Osama LOVES you!
2) The akimbo'd BBC (backward baseball cap) is ubiquitous. Mullets and aviator glasses are ALWAYS in fashion (for men AND women!). 5 extra points for a Calvin pissing decal on your PU/SUV. Of course, that's also a minus 10 from a 100 IQ.
3) Put a W decal on your ride...right next to your Support our Troops ribbons.
4) Ignore the fact that 20 cents of every dollar that you pump into all of your tanks goes to the middle east - and who knows how much of that goes to buying those IEDs and funding the insurgents. Whose troops are you supporting? How come no one gets this? See #1.
5) Rant and Rave on Sound-Off about your road not being plowed, paved, or patrolled - and then vote to cut taxes.
6) Assert your freedom from big government as you apply for your PFD.
7) Vote Republican and take the Chilkoot Charlie pledge: We cheat the other guy and pass the savings on to you.
8) Elect two Republican senators, one republican congressman, a GOP governor, and a republican controlled legislature. Blame all problems on Democrats and environmentalists.
9) Own at least 2 snowmachines and an ATV. Put a Support Our Troops decal on them. See #4.
10) Build another subdivison - and complain about how crowded it is on the Kenai River during king and red season.
11) Strip malls and car lots - can't get enough!
12) WalMart. Well, it'll be in Kenai, but you'll love the prices. Who cares about asian sweat shops, the trade deficit, paving 10 acres for a parking lot, and the family businesses that'll be shut down.
13) Your idea of non-motorized sport is bowling. Wait a minute...what about the little ball rolly-uppy thingy?
14) Pebble Mine. It's not our salmon! Jewelry is much more important than one of the most spectacular ecosystems and salmon spawning grounds in AK. Vanity, thy name is SOLdotna.
15) I'm not out of tips, just outta time!

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