Those Darn Letters

We're all SOL in SOLdotna - and those who are deepest in it are often repeat Letter to the Editor writers. You can't fix stupid, but you can laugh at 'em!

Mr. and Mrs. Keller. Avid Letter to the Editor contributors to the PC, Mr. Keller has threatened to move because SOLdotna and the Kenai Borough are taxing him to death (we pay some of the lowest property taxes in the nation). He recently ranted about a tax the city of SOLdotna has been unjustly charging him. It seems Keller has a SOLdotna address, but actually lives just out of town (and downriver from the wastewater treatment plant) – and so shouldn’t be billed a 34 cents a month phone tariff. Dude, your $350,000 property is downriver from the sewage that SOLdotna dumps in the Kenai everyday – maybe you should tell them to keep the pocket change and give all of that shit the deluxe treatment.
Not to be outdone, Mrs K's most recent letter let SOLdotna know that unless you back W 100%, you couldn't possibly support our troops. Uh??...Hello, Mrs K - wake up and smell the shite! When we eventually pull our troops out - the government in Iraq will look just like it does today. The USA will be hundreds of billions of dollars poorer, a new generation of jihadists will be well-trained and motivated, and many more of our best, bravest, and most dedicated young men and women will have their lives obliterated or devastated. Support our Troops - bring 'em home!

10 Things that don't Suck in SOLdotna

1)Tsalteshi Trails - world class x-country skiing. And the trail reports are literary gems - Go Fermi! check out a recent post:
'Twas brillig, then the slithy 4-Wheelers
did gyre and gimble in the wabe;" 'Beware the Jabberwock my son!
The wheels that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Susuki bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"...........
The wolfmoosebearrabbitlynxcoyoteravenbeaver trails were rolled out yesterday. Everything was brillig...then two 4-wheelers:
"Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as they came!"
'One, two! One, two! and through and through
Their vorpal wheels went snicker-snack"
The loops had to be re-groomed, and the frumious tracks were removed......"O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"....The skiing should be good today. unless, of course the manxome foe came galumphing back again last night.

2)Kaladi Bros - the fix is on...but make that joe a bit hotter if you would please
3)World Music for the Kenai (thanks, Mike!)
4)River City Books
5)M. Scott Moon - the photographer for the Clarion. Damn, his picts are good - and it's about the only reason to buy the rag. How come you're still in THIS town?!?
6)KDLL (well it's not broadcasted from SOLdotna. but the reception here isn't bad if you wear some tinfoil on your head)
7)The Kenai River Brewery opened this summer (behind Frosos) Get a Growler or two...
8)You can get there (ski, bike, climb, hike, kayak) from here.
9)Well, OK - I had to stretch a bit to even include the last two items, but I am a bit of a PollyAnna. The truth is that there aren't 10 things that don't suck about SOLdotna - that's why you're SOL here!

The Jeff Webster "Wet Bucket Brigade" Award Nominations

SOLdotna's most famous citizen is the river guide, Jeff Webster. Jeff won the Jefferson Muzzle Award in 2004 when he twice doused an 82 year-old woman in sub-freezing temperature at the "Y" in SOLdotna. The lady was protesting the US invasion of Iraq. Big Bad Jeff had the audacity to film his stunt the second time around and post it on the 'net. The JWWBBA: Throwing Cold Water on Freedom of Speech since 2003

Anyway, in honor of Mr. Webster's ignominious behavior, the following central peninsula residents are nominated for their undaunted sense of self-righteousness, undeniable idiocy, and absence of extrapolating a thought much beyond its inception.

And the nominees are:
1)The Peninsula Clarion. To be Fair and Balanced, this paper simply doesn't have any balls. Northern Dynasty couldn't have bought a fluffier examination of the Pebble Mine. Simultaneously, the NYTimes ran an in-depth look at the world-wide economic, social, and environmental damages caused by gold mining. Guess we don't need to know any of that stuff. And the cheerleading continues - just yesterday, the PC ran another front page info-mercial from ND: "Yep, there's big gold out in them thar hills". They are playing us with a treble hook and a quick jerk; hoping to snag us like a spawned humpie. Let's ask some tough questions!...And how about some real local news like where did all that AWG $ go? What sort of deal is MallWart getting? I have to admit that the headline the other day 'SOLdotna Cemetery Not Dead Yet' was clever - but how come you guys can't figure out why the borough and the city of SOLdotna are at odds?

2) Bill 'Dozer' Popp. Big Bill really isn't a bad guy - but has there ever been a development that he questions? Private Prisons, Pig Farms, Big Box stores, Pebble Mine, and all of the refineries, platforms, and wells we can construct are just what we need to transform the Kenai into Texas. Bill is now Borough Mayor William's primary "Yes Man" (In addition to being on the government dole as a paid lobbyist to the oil and gas industry? Hmmm, doesn't big industry usually hire lobbyists to kiss up to government and not the other way around!?!?)

3)KPBSD Central Orifice Administration. The whole gang of 'em. Those who can do, those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach become principals. Those who aren't principled become Central Office administrators! Oh, employees aren't allowed to say 'central office' anymore. End of discussion. Lead by bullying and stifling different point of views. After all, it's the SOLdotna way of life!

Ways to be a real SOLdotnan

Let's face it - you've never fit in anywhere, but you've never lived in a place quite like SOLdotna. Here are some tips to successfully blend in with your neighbors.

1) Leave your pickup or SUV running from October until May. Osama LOVES you!
2) The akimbo'd BBC (backward baseball cap) is ubiquitous. Mullets and aviator glasses are ALWAYS in fashion (for men AND women!). 5 extra points for a Calvin pissing decal on your PU/SUV. Of course, that's also a minus 10 from a 100 IQ.
3) Put a W decal on your ride...right next to your Support our Troops ribbons.
4) Ignore the fact that 20 cents of every dollar that you pump into all of your tanks goes to the middle east - and who knows how much of that goes to buying those IEDs and funding the insurgents. Whose troops are you supporting? How come no one gets this? See #1.
5) Rant and Rave on Sound-Off about your road not being plowed, paved, or patrolled - and then vote to cut taxes.
6) Assert your freedom from big government as you apply for your PFD.
7) Vote Republican and take the Chilkoot Charlie pledge: We cheat the other guy and pass the savings on to you.
8) Elect two Republican senators, one republican congressman, a GOP governor, and a republican controlled legislature. Blame all problems on Democrats and environmentalists.
9) Own at least 2 snowmachines and an ATV. Put a Support Our Troops decal on them. See #4.
10) Build another subdivison - and complain about how crowded it is on the Kenai River during king and red season.
11) Strip malls and car lots - can't get enough!
12) WalMart. Well, it'll be in Kenai, but you'll love the prices. Who cares about asian sweat shops, the trade deficit, paving 10 acres for a parking lot, and the family businesses that'll be shut down.
13) Your idea of non-motorized sport is bowling. Wait a minute...what about the little ball rolly-uppy thingy?
14) Pebble Mine. It's not our salmon! Jewelry is much more important than one of the most spectacular ecosystems and salmon spawning grounds in AK. Vanity, thy name is SOLdotna.
15) I'm not out of tips, just outta time!