Sunday, March 14, 2010

Praise the Lord, Pass the Ammo...and the Haldol

Here I am thinking I'm SOL in SOLdotna because of the suburban sprawl, strip malls, and the over-crowded chaos on the Kenai River.

But every time I pick up the PC, Norm Olson and Ray Southwell are putting on their Paul Revere tri-corners and spreading warnings about black helicopters, the feds, space aliens and the coming Armageddon. Along with Bob Bird, Schaeffer Cox and the 2nd Amendment Task Force, these two have been promoting the Alaska Citizens' Militia, their club of angry, gun-toting, mostly fat old white guys who don't want to pay taxes, but want their roads plowed.

Well, Bob is not fat and Schaeffer isn't old or fat, but angry he is. He was arrested last week for domestic violence. With their kid in the back seat of his rig, Mr. Cox tried to strangle his wife as they were driving to a show.

At least he wasn't texting.

Where did the militia last meet? In the taxpayer-funded auditorium at KCHS. I wonder why they don't support a capitalist local business? Well, I don't know of too many businesses who would want a crew of over-aged, locked-and-loaded paranoids hanging out on the premises. And besides, that crowd doesn't like to tip. Or pay for anything besides the latest armor-piercing ordinance.

But maybe these guys are on to something. Maybe we should be very afraid. And maybe these are the guys who will save us from the conspiracies that lurk behind every delusional thought they have.

So I did a quick search. The first click brought me to the New World Order's official web site. Yep, they recognize that Norm is their nemesis and Olson has repeatedly thwarted their plans for taking over the planet.

I'd like to direct Olson and Southwell to three more very imminent threats to Alaska and freedom: Canadian World Domination, The Evil League of Evil, and Terrorist Squirrels!

I know I'll feel a lot better knowing that the militia might focus on threats just as whacked as they are.

One reason the Kenai attracts the angry old white guys with guns who don't want to pay taxes is that we encourage them to move here. Yep, once you are 65, you get a $300,000 property tax exemption. Norm has 2 years to go before he gets to really whine about the taxes he is (not) paying, although he currently qualifies for a Nikiski senior tax break. I'm all for cutting slack to seniors who are in need - especially those who put their time in locally to build this community, but the break goes to anyone that qualifies for the PFD and it doesn't matter if one's annual income is $0 or a million bucks. So Norm, Ray and their ilk move up here and we all will subsidize their craziness.

In related breaking news, bigots from around the US are worried that the development of new racial slurs aren't keeping pace with the rise in mixed-race births. Read about it here.

12 comments:

Wolfe Tone said...

Excellent piece, Soul.

Celia Harrison said...

Even if there was a military coup in the U.S. mere guns will be useless against the weapons of the government. They even have heat rays and probably have the ability to knock out a whole group of people at once. Even using the conventional rocket launchers, tanks, and dropping bombs from airplaces would kick the butts of any militia group they felt was a threat.

Ishmael said...

I heard the feds were across the street taking video/pictures and writing down license plate numbers.

Hire Intelligence said...

Ish, they are the Feds. It is a salt lick for crazies.

Souldotna said...

That is funny enough to be true...why I might just have to use that angle on a follow-up (if you don't mind)

While BB has some functional brain cells (maybe gone a bit haywire, but he is a smart man nonetheless), most of the rest of the crew the militia attracts are more than a few cartridges short of a full clip.

But damn, there are a lot of them around here.

Ishmael said...

"A salt lick for crazies." Excellent. We need to put that on Alaska license plates.

leewaytoo said...

top ten quotes of the psychotic and its bed bug.

10 "my butt still hurts "
9 " Japan had paid C.I.A. agents to bug President Clinton's offices."
8 "I think the federal government blew the place up themselves"
7 "Like Detroit, the militias will direct the anger against each other, police
authority, the public, and perceived tyrannical individuals. They will
become judge, jury, and executioner."
6 "I'd guess that within the next two years, you will see the Constitution suspended."
5 "Christian fundamentalists will be the first to go under fascism this time."
4 "Those who laugh at me or Ray Southwell l will be the dust that will beg us for help one day... they will be turned
away.... They have not heeded the warnings...they will perish...
3 "I've often wondered what it would take to kick off another revolution."
2. "WE'RE ITCHING FOR A STANDOFF SOMEPLACE,"
1 "the only thing timothy did wrong was get caught."

Hire Intelligence said...

So it seems that the black helicopters do exist. They did not bring early Easter eggs for the Michigan clan started by the North Road Pogue.

UPDATE: Seven people have been arrested for allegedly selling pipe bombs in Michigan, Ohio and Indiana, Fox News has learned. The arrests and raids in Michigan and Indianapolis are related to alleged militia activity in the region, but are not related to international terrorism. There is not a current threat to the public, according to a law enforcement source.

Ishmael said...

I wonder if Palin has met with the North Road Militia leaders to share tips? Teabaggers seem like the McVeigh/Palin Party.....

Hire Intelligence said...

Tea Bagger Pledge


I,_______________, as a member of the Tea Party, take an oath that I
will not use "socialist" programs such as SS, Medicare, other medical coverage provided by the Feds,
take out loans from the Feds, use the Fed highways, roads, fire departments, use 911 emergency
system, the police departments, the Armed Forces will not protect me, will not use libraries,
schools, use cell phones, land phones since the use Fed money, over the air television or radio stations,
use the internet, use Fed workers to guide my plane to an airport, public transportation, etc.
Anything that uses Fed money, included free wood from national forest, hunting land, fishing resources,
camp grounds. I will also take a chance on the food I eat, the water I use, since I will have to
test it myself along with the waste water leaving my property.

If I am using or benefitting from any Fed program, I will immediately stop and return said
money.

Sincerely,______________ Date___________

logginman said...

resopnse to hire intelligence,
it is clear to me now that this place ,too, has been invaded by the liberal posse , i thought i just had to deal with crazy conservatives,oh well.Either way you can take all the pot shots you want at real american values,but just to let you know ,most people who have these ideals have them because of common decency ,and you cant attack that away.LONG LIVE THE AMERICAN DREAM!!

Souldotna said...

Loginman, Exactly what are the real American values that you are referring to?

I think that Hire Intelligence was making a comment about the hypocrisy that many teabaggers and militia types have: Give me all the Fed entitlements and benefits I can get, but darn that evil government.

All of us, liberals, conservatives, moderates, and those who are a mixture of all of the above, should strive for honesty and integrity.


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