Praise the Lord, Pass the Ammo...and the Haldol

Here I am thinking I'm SOL in SOLdotna because of the suburban sprawl, strip malls, and the over-crowded chaos on the Kenai River.

But every time I pick up the PC, Norm Olson and Ray Southwell are putting on their Paul Revere tri-corners and spreading warnings about black helicopters, the feds, space aliens and the coming Armageddon. Along with Bob Bird, Schaeffer Cox and the 2nd Amendment Task Force, these two have been promoting the Alaska Citizens' Militia, their club of angry, gun-toting, mostly fat old white guys who don't want to pay taxes, but want their roads plowed.

Well, Bob is not fat and Schaeffer isn't old or fat, but angry he is. He was arrested last week for domestic violence. With their kid in the back seat of his rig, Mr. Cox tried to strangle his wife as they were driving to a show.

At least he wasn't texting.

Where did the militia last meet? In the taxpayer-funded auditorium at KCHS. I wonder why they don't support a capitalist local business? Well, I don't know of too many businesses who would want a crew of over-aged, locked-and-loaded paranoids hanging out on the premises. And besides, that crowd doesn't like to tip. Or pay for anything besides the latest armor-piercing ordinance.

But maybe these guys are on to something. Maybe we should be very afraid. And maybe these are the guys who will save us from the conspiracies that lurk behind every delusional thought they have.

So I did a quick search. The first click brought me to the New World Order's official web site. Yep, they recognize that Norm is their nemesis and Olson has repeatedly thwarted their plans for taking over the planet.

I'd like to direct Olson and Southwell to three more very imminent threats to Alaska and freedom: Canadian World Domination, The Evil League of Evil, and Terrorist Squirrels!

I know I'll feel a lot better knowing that the militia might focus on threats just as whacked as they are.

One reason the Kenai attracts the angry old white guys with guns who don't want to pay taxes is that we encourage them to move here. Yep, once you are 65, you get a $300,000 property tax exemption. Norm has 2 years to go before he gets to really whine about the taxes he is (not) paying, although he currently qualifies for a Nikiski senior tax break. I'm all for cutting slack to seniors who are in need - especially those who put their time in locally to build this community, but the break goes to anyone that qualifies for the PFD and it doesn't matter if one's annual income is $0 or a million bucks. So Norm, Ray and their ilk move up here and we all will subsidize their craziness.

In related breaking news, bigots from around the US are worried that the development of new racial slurs aren't keeping pace with the rise in mixed-race births. Read about it here.